Chapter 1
A life Being Lived
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| MS, Warp of Life, 2017 |
It all began on Tuesday, August 18th, 1998 when a newly married couple decided to go for breakfast. The restaurant of choice was the original Mitchell’s on Clybourn Ave, which was a favorite spot of theirs but has been closed for many years now. Their food as well as the space was consistent but there was a unique vibe present in the atmosphere. It was a warm summer morning and the two lovers were eagerly awaiting their entrance into parenthood. Following breakfast, the couple continued to enjoy the beautiful day by going for a walk. What started as simple stroll soon shifted into a life changing moment. Intense and consistent contractions signalled to the couple that I, their first creation, was finally ready to come out into the world. While at Prentice Women’s Hospital, I continued to internally notify my mother that It was time for me to be free. At 9:02 PM, I made my entrance into the world. The cutting of the umbilical cord, the physical connector between my mother and me, left me as an individual for the first time. My first solo breathe signalled the start to a never ending personal journey.
My early years were spent bonding with my parents as well as learning about myself and the world through my experiences. My connection to my parents, particularly my mother, was very strong. Our similarities as well her unconditional love for me made it difficult for us to split. I remember hysterically crying when she left me at two hour daycare and not stopping until she picked me up. This deeply rooted connection as well as the emotions it produced evolved over time. When I was around five years old my mother went on a short getaway with her friend. At that point in my life, I was able to leave her with ease for short periods of time but hadn’t experienced prolonged separation. Her departure produced a feeling I’d never felt before. The mental sadness that often came with our separation wasn’t present. A physical sensation reminiscent of not being able to breathe took over my mind and body. The uncertainty of the situation landed me in the emergency room at Children’s Memorial hospital. The intensity of my emotions kept me from fully processing the situation. My father arrived and spoke with various staff members. What was initially believed to be a breathing problem turned out to be my separation anxiety manifesting physically. My father was pleased to hear it was an emotional issue as it allowed him to bring me home and have a plan for combating it. When my mother came back, my parents took me into the front of the house and sat me down to chat. They told me I was going to start seeing a feelings doctor who I could play and talk with. Their salesmanship was stellar, I instantly bought into it. The next week I went to meet him and have our first appointment. I played with toys, screamed, swore and even cried. Unknowingly at the time, I was beginning to embark on my life’s mission of consistent self progression.
I became fully immersed in the psychoanalytic process, attending sessions four days a week. Each session produced new answers along with new questions. The process brought a plethora of my internal issues to the surface. I thought I entered psychoanalysis for one reason but it turned out to be for several. Coming to this understanding was initially very discouraging as It left me believing I had moved backwards. It took me a lot of time to realize that uncovering and working through the issues was a necessary step in effectively moving forward. Once I wholeheartedly embraced the process of problem solving, psychoanalysis became my favorite thing in life. It allowed me to explore myself and my ideas in ways I never imagined possible. I gained tremendous confidence and excitement which directly translated to my creative business ventures. Learning how to problem solve and plan on a personal level was extremely beneficial in the creation of several businesses throughout my life. Seeing the impact of psychoanalysis in my life allowed me to become consciously aware of it being my central mission. I was seeing it, therefore I was believing it.
Psychoanalysis helped engrain my mission of self progression into my mind, body, and soul. The years of my engagement in the process gave me the ability to recognize that traditional schooling wasn’t my fit. I was able to speak up and change my situation for the better. Being able to recognize where you fit in is key but it must be followed by action. Knowing that I wanted to endlessly work on bettering myself, I explored for the best outlet to do so. For my whole life I had been a creative spirit who enjoyed to doodle and make a mess. Out of pure curiosity and spontaneity, I began to make doodles again. These doodles quickly turned into paintings and each painting became progressively larger. I was slowly working my way towards the mirror to my soul. The large scale artwork provided me with a type of emotional outlet I’d never experienced. I was able to translate every emotion, energy, desire, thought into something permanent. I started using the canvas as a mental playground with no rules or expectations. Painting has taught me to be in the moment. The pieces I created were direct translations of my inner world. I was finally finding the gratification and contentment I was after.
The paintings got bigger and the vision progressed. I utilized my increasing self awareness to recognize the current moment and react to it artistically. Just like life, my art became a compilation of my emotions and energies. I admitted my ignorance along with my desire to grow and set off for NYC. I left all that I had known but that was alright because I was going towards what I believed I wanted. I was responding to the ebb and flow of life. Preparation was essential, but nothing could effectively prepare me for the transition. It was scary because it was brand new. There were no expectations, only possibilities. My life long vision was coming into fruition. Things were occurring as I imagined them in my head. The focuss became centered and the purpose was clear. I was to make as much honest artwork as possible in order to be happy. I had found my key to the now, my access to myself.
Sitting all alone in a spacious and well lit room, I think of my past. I know the past is gone forever and the future is just out of reach. My breathe allows me to feel everything, my entire universe, while only being present in the here and now. How and why did I get to where I am? How did my journey unfold? I continuously question myself, but often never find the answers. All I can do is pay tribute to those who’ve undeniably played a role in my life. My grandpa, my father's father, was born in NYC during the great depression. His entire life was defined by overcoming adversity and making the most of every situation. His experiences in life have been super important in instilling ideas of patients, respect, and awareness in me. His subtle way of speaking inspired me to become a better communicator. Such a large part of why I create is to communicate. I want to work in a medium that has no boundaries. I want my artwork to cross all walks of life and the earth. I’ve seen the direct impact of working on myself and want to share the experience being in touch with one's inner self through art. My goal in life has and will continue to be providing people with the keys to unlock their own doors of perception.
